Heaven

My thoughts on heaven.

I fully expect to be told, "There's not a dress code in Heaven per say but that's totally inappropriate." And to the bastard behind me, "And no pea coats!"

Half of Heaven is waiting in line to get to heaven.

People with speech impediments don't get into heaven.

In heaven, you can watch anything that has ever been on TV even if you don't remember the name of it.

If you've lived in Provo for a while you may remember a place called Sounds Easy next to Albertson's where you can rent a movie and order pizza. Heaven is like that plus a zoo.

Fighting animals is OK in heaven and by fighting animals I mean both against each other and fighting them personally.

In heaven, Jordan missed. Jazz fans know what I'm talking about.

Body builders of abnormal heights wear tuxedos and serve Hawaiian Punch.

There's a massive list of facts, including; the best piss you've had, the longest piss you've had, how many people that you were an asshole, why they thought you were an asshole, a pie chart showing you asshole traits compared to your non-asshole traits, a running tally of your comma splices, how much you've spent on food, how much time you've spent on the internet, lists of shitty bands you listened to, a graph showing how wrong it was for you to be attracted to that cousin, how many birds you've fed both purposefully and unintentionally, how many times you've said 'less' when you should have said 'fewer', the fates of the dogs you didn't adopt, how many times you took the last piece of pizza, and another list of ways that the people that you hated were happier than you were.

You don't have to read that list.

People are content watching other people play video games.

Every so often everybody starts singing "Hey there Delilah" in unison.