If You Need to Cry Find the Proper Place To Do It.

Even lumberjacks cry sometimes (though with their advanced evolution their tear ducts contain whiskey and tabasco as opposed to real tears) and they need to know where an acceptable place to cry is. I hope this helps them. This is a scale of manly places to cry 1 being watching the notebook by yourself and 10 being arm wrestling a grizzly bear with your left hand while you both chug a quart of eggnog.

Funeral. 10

Someone died and they owed you money, feel free to let it all out.

Hospital 3-9

Crying in the hospital is complicated. If you're crying because you're in pain you may as well get a sex change while you're in the facilities. Clamp your jaw shut and flex whatever is hurting to deal with it. However if you walked into the wrong room and saw an 80 year old topless patient in the psych ward slapping her imaginary grandchildren around, it's ok to cry.

In the Shower 6

You've had a bad day and don't have any friends to berate you back to full strength. Hop in the shower turn on the hot water full bore and jam your face in the stream. You won't be able to distinguish your tears from the water so you're not even sure if you're really crying or not.

In the Shower listening to Music 5.5

Listening to music in the shower while crying sounds like a good idea but, scientists have found that when people are sad their taste in everything sucks. Especially music. So chances are you'd put on something that sounds as terrible as you feel. Not manly at all.

In the Shower listening to CCR 8

Not only will the music cover the sound of your pathetic sobbing, CCR kicks so much ass that not even crying about a girl you had mixed feelings about diminishes masculinity.

Movie Theatre 2

You paid $18 dollars for two tickets to a movie you didn't want to see and ended up crying surrounded by strangers..... at least it was dark in there.


Around a Campfire 1

Guaranteed way to ruin everyone else's good time. Talk around a campfire should stick to food, women, and dick jokes and none of those things should ever reduce a man to tears.


Port-A-Potty 9

Crying in a port-a-john is manly because there's always a line to use them. So you have to hold in your tears until you get in the john, and than you let all the pussy drain out of you while surrounded by the most heinous smell. When you're done crying make sure you walk out of the port-a-potty without any visible signs of tearshed on your face. It'll really add to the "What in the hell did I witness?" factor. You've made women and children suffer under the unforgiving sun just so nobody could see you cry and chances are someone shit their pants. That's awesome.

Trunk of a Car 7

During Therapy 2

Cab Ride 3

As if a cab driver's life wasn't shitty enough.

While choking a loved one 8

Playground 2 if you have/had kids 6.5 if you don't/haven't had

Somebody's shoulder 3.
1 if it's somebody you wanted to respect you
1 and a half if it gets you laid

Not only are you crying in front of somebody you're crying on somebody. That's just rude. Do you realize howmuch shit that comes out of your face when you cry? It's disgusting. Snot bubbles, extra sticky spit that creeps out of the side of your mouth, and a persons face is always weirdly contorted when they cry.

Ocean 7 if there's a shark 2 if there isn't.