Deep Fried Con Queso

If you're still reading this

2010-11-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

go to this. www.pstyousuck.blogspot.com

Also, for all the shit I talk on Bobby Flay I want to start a southwestern restaurant. If I start making cordon bleau tamales or dowsing deserts with chipotle please kick me in the neck and shoot me in the ass.

Cop Out

2010-09-07T23:26:00.001-07:00

Instead of writing new shit I copy and pasted old shit I wrote and put it here. Do something about it, I dare you.

If You Need to Cry Find the Proper Place To Do It.

2010-09-07T23:24:00.002-07:00

Even lumberjacks cry sometimes (though with their advanced evolution their tear ducts contain whiskey and tabasco as opposed to real tears) and they need to know where an acceptable place to cry is. I hope this helps them. This is a scale of manly places to cry 1 being watching the notebook by yourself and 10 being arm wrestling a grizzly bear with your left hand while you both chug a quart of eggnog.

Funeral. 10

Someone died and they owed you money, feel free to let it all out.

Hospital 3-9

Crying in the hospital is complicated. If you're crying because you're in pain you may as well get a sex change while you're in the facilities. Clamp your jaw shut and flex whatever is hurting to deal with it. However if you walked into the wrong room and saw an 80 year old topless patient in the psych ward slapping her imaginary grandchildren around, it's ok to cry.

In the Shower 6

You've had a bad day and don't have any friends to berate you back to full strength. Hop in the shower turn on the hot water full bore and jam your face in the stream. You won't be able to distinguish your tears from the water so you're not even sure if you're really crying or not.

In the Shower listening to Music 5.5

Listening to music in the shower while crying sounds like a good idea but, scientists have found that when people are sad their taste in everything sucks. Especially music. So chances are you'd put on something that sounds as terrible as you feel. Not manly at all.

In the Shower listening to CCR 8

Not only will the music cover the sound of your pathetic sobbing, CCR kicks so much ass that not even crying about a girl you had mixed feelings about diminishes masculinity.

Movie Theatre 2

You paid $18 dollars for two tickets to a movie you didn't want to see and ended up crying surrounded by strangers..... at least it was dark in there.

Around a Campfire 1

Guaranteed way to ruin everyone else's good time. Talk around a campfire should stick to food, women, and dick jokes and none of those things should ever reduce a man to tears.

Port-A-Potty 9

Crying in a port-a-john is manly because there's always a line to use them. So you have to hold in your tears until you get in the john, and than you let all the pussy drain out of you while surrounded by the most heinous smell. When you're done crying make sure you walk out of the port-a-potty without any visible signs of tearshed on your face. It'll really add to the "What in the hell did I witness?" factor. You've made women and children suffer under the unforgiving sun just so nobody could see you cry and chances are someone shit their pants. That's awesome.

Trunk of a Car 7

During Therapy 2

Cab Ride 3

As if a cab driver's life wasn't shitty enough.

While choking a loved one 8

Playground 2 if you have/had kids 6.5 if you don't/haven't had

Somebody's shoulder 3.
1 if it's somebody you wanted to respect you
1 and a half if it gets you laid

Not only are you crying in front of somebody you're crying on somebody. That's just rude. Do you realize howmuch shit that comes out of your face when you cry? It's disgusting. Snot bubbles, extra sticky spit that creeps out of the side of your mouth, and a persons face is always weirdly contorted when they cry.

Ocean 7 if there's a shark 2 if there isn't.

Things Almost as Good as a Personality.

2010-09-07T23:24:00.001-07:00

Aight so the girl you're looking to make your main trick is in your house. You know enough to be attracted to her but not enough to have a stimulating conversation. You could spend half an hour bouncing questions off of each other or go Carrot Top on her ass and pull out the props.

The weapon of choice for many is the acoustic guitar. The acoustic guitar has gotten more guys laid than roofies and bad parenting combined. You don't even have to be that good, bitches aint' know shit about music, just play a couple of chords and bob your head. Now look at her, smile, and put your head down to reposition your fingers.

Poetry. Poets are the most pretentious fuckers you will ever meet and they are everywhere. Get in them panties and rehearse a poem you wrote three years ago for somebody else. Make sure it rhymes and that it is untitled. There is a risk to be ran though. If she has poems, she'll recite them to you. As previously mentioned, poets are pretentious fuckers so neither of you will like each other's poems because yours are better and they don't "get it".

Laughing loudly. Fools got it in their heads that if you are the one laughing the loudest at something that they are both the only one to "really" get it and that they somehow contributed to the funny. Girls love guys that make them laugh and have been known to go for guys that laugh because if they're laughing they must be funny enough to make them laugh. Be wise, quiet it down to a chuckle and don't raise expectations.

A "Fight Club" DVD because who the fuck didn't like it? You'll both enjoy a movie you've both seen more than ten times and the movie provides some talking points. Like "What historical figure would you fight?" and then you both could pretend argue and she'll slap you softly. All that bullshit. The ending also contains enough semi-existential bullshit to make you seem interesting

Heaven

2010-09-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

My thoughts on heaven.

I fully expect to be told, "There's not a dress code in Heaven per say but that's totally inappropriate." And to the bastard behind me, "And no pea coats!"

Half of Heaven is waiting in line to get to heaven.

People with speech impediments don't get into heaven.

In heaven, you can watch anything that has ever been on TV even if you don't remember the name of it.

If you've lived in Provo for a while you may remember a place called Sounds Easy next to Albertson's where you can rent a movie and order pizza. Heaven is like that plus a zoo.

Fighting animals is OK in heaven and by fighting animals I mean both against each other and fighting them personally.

In heaven, Jordan missed. Jazz fans know what I'm talking about.

Body builders of abnormal heights wear tuxedos and serve Hawaiian Punch.

There's a massive list of facts, including; the best piss you've had, the longest piss you've had, how many people that you were an asshole, why they thought you were an asshole, a pie chart showing you asshole traits compared to your non-asshole traits, a running tally of your comma splices, how much you've spent on food, how much time you've spent on the internet, lists of shitty bands you listened to, a graph showing how wrong it was for you to be attracted to that cousin, how many birds you've fed both purposefully and unintentionally, how many times you've said 'less' when you should have said 'fewer', the fates of the dogs you didn't adopt, how many times you took the last piece of pizza, and another list of ways that the people that you hated were happier than you were.

You don't have to read that list.

People are content watching other people play video games.

Every so often everybody starts singing "Hey there Delilah" in unison.

Facts

2010-09-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

If people really loved cute things they'd leave their babies alone with animals more often. And not just dogs and cats. If you coo at pictures of lions yawning picture your baby in it's mouth, if you still think it's adorable have the balls to make it happen.

Proclaiming that you do not find Family Guy funny is the same as proclaiming you are pretentious and boring.(Update, I don't think it's funny anymore.)

Nobody cares about other peoples cats.

If Johnny has 5 apples and loses 2 he still has more apples than he needs. He's also irresponsible for losing apples.

"Into the Wild" was nothing more than a poor man's "Jeremiah Johnson"

Sexism is not saying you like women that can cook it's the difference between breast cancer awareness and prostate cancer awareness.

Black people are funnier than white people.

Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor are the Stockton to Malone of Comedy.

Dane Cook is not funny. Neither is Carlos Mencia.

WWE/WWF was great, is great, and will be great forever.

Even if I stopped swearing, cut my hair, and stopped telling crass jokes people would still be convinced that I've done drugs.

If everyone stopped sippin that haterade Hooty and the Blowfish would make a huge comeback.

In every movie there's at least one scene that makes every guy mutter "Stupid bitch." under their breath. I don't know if female actors suck at their lines or the lines suck for female actors but I hate it.

Everybody can sing the first verse to Sugar Ray's "Every Morning" verbatim.

There's a little voice in the back of everybody's head that screams bloody murder anytime they drink a mocktail or watch CSI.

Jordan pushed Russell.

Stuff you didn't want to know about me but I wrote down anyway.

2010-09-07T23:11:00.000-07:00

1. I shit with my shirt off all the time no matter what.

2. If I'm suspicious that you've done something to wrong me I will pick my nose and hide the booger somewhere in your car/house.

3. I'm writing this at work and am a little scared of getting fired.(Update, I have since been fired.)

4. When given the opportunity I will not hesitate to cook eggs in the nude.

5. Motorhead songs all sound the same, I love all them because of it.

6. When I can't sleep at night I day dream about you naked or about playing basketball only to be interrupted by some dick wearing a scarf, thick lensed old lady glasses, and tight expensive jeans.

7. I'm incredibly attracted to sketchy waitresses that curse.

8. The only thing worse than a cute girl swearing is a cute girl that tries to swear and can't quite pull it off.

9. I don't consider Mary Higgins Clark or the girl that wrote twilight authors.

10. On exceptionally happy days I rearrange my junk to make it visible through my jeans.

11. I've decided to refer to my penis as a "Love Stump" from now on.

12. No matter how hard I try I can't finish any book written by Faulkner.(Update, fuck you Abyslom!,Absylom!)

13. I have a tattoo of a feather on my arm but most people think it's a sword or a leaf.

14. There are two things I'm passionate about, The Utah Jazz and Betos. I find dislike of or indifference to either of these extremely offensive.

15. The fifteen minutes I spend alone on the toilet are the best of my life.

16. On a bad day nothing toughens you up again like mexican food and pie.

17. I have love handles.

18. Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth.

19. I may be secretly racist.

20. I'm both excited and a little disappointed to spend Valentines alone in my underwear watching Sanford and Son all day.

21. I'm too lazy to go to college.

22. If I had an exceptionally good time on the toilet I will sing The Jefferson's theme song when I'm done. Fish don't fry in the kitchen! Beans don't burn on the grill!

23. Sometimes I google image search Emma Watson, stare at the screen, and pretend we're married.

24. I had and maybe still do have a major crush on both sisters from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and had some creepy day dreams about them both.

25. Sometimes I write haikus to forgotten celebrities.

Damn kids with their music

2010-05-31T11:43:00.000-07:00

Today's world has no balls because Justin Beiber isn't a castrato. What happened to commitment to one's art? If he knew what was up he'd chomp dem balls and spend the rest of his life singing for royalty, making bills, and wondering why saying, "Turn your head and cough." is so funny. Instead he'll spend a year swimming in jailbait, fall off the charts, start up his meth addiction, and spend the rest of his life on and off of VH1 because he ran out of money.

Good Lord does pop music suck. Every other song is some dude singing about how sad he is, these Urban-Americans find their girlfriends cheating and then go cry in a candle lit bath. That's a far cry from Rise and Fly in which a man shoots his woman in the head because he finds her fully clothed in town with his best friend Joe. If you really love your woman you to 20 to life when you find her cheating.

I'm tired of being misled by song titles and band names too. If I'm going to listen to One Eskimo I'm going to listen to a lonely ass indigenous person making fucked up voices with her throat not two hippies crooning to each other. Speaking of hippies, fuck Moab.

Polacca.

2010-02-09T00:25:00.000-08:00

I started writing at 1 in the morning and had a huge post full of memories and emotion. It's now 4 and man do I miss Hopi food.

Thanksgiving

2009-12-01T23:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you guys but I spent most of my Thanksgiving sitting across from a parolee and his overweight blond girlfriend. All they talked about was how much she liked his "0dark meat". Get it? Eventually someone put in "2010 Comedy All-Stars". This is what I learned, don't watch black stand up comedians around middle aged white women. They either explain their honkey ways to the television or laugh too hard. Linda did both.

Not the best Thanksgiving I've had but not bad by any means. I think a lot of it had to do with my lack of sleep and knowing I had to work double the day Christmas music takes over all restaurant radios. Which brings up the question, does anything suck more thanJingle Bell Rock ten times a day? Maybe marriage and child support but not much else.

Break the Chains that Bind You

2009-11-06T15:03:00.000-08:00

When conversation lulls and commercials are on the question, "What do you think about when you're by yourself?" can sometimes pop up. This really doesn't spur conversation because boring people think of boring things. I think of food. Things like "What do I want to eat right now?", "What do I have in the kitchen?", "Can I compromise the two?", "Is anyone with a car as hungry as I am right now?", and "Next commercial I'll make a sandwich or something." Hence the reason I made a blog about food. Now that I've written about all the restaurants I've been to that are worth writing about, explored my favorite combos and sandwiches, and ranted about Maggy Gillenhal. I see that I've painted myself in a corner. I can either wait to update this thing after I've tried a new restaurant, which can take months, or write about new things.

The problem is, I don't really do anything. Except work for Sizzler. Now this blog is about food and me bitching about my job. Here's me bitching about my Saturdays.

"Stop."

The old bastard either had schizophrenia or a grandchild he hated. Either way, I felt for him.

"We'll never beat TGI Fridays."

It was a table of police officers, forest rangers, and a single fireman. I didn't know if they were entrepreneurs accepting the fact that they'd never topple the king of casual dining or if they were trying to come up with a new acronym that would convey their love for the end of the week. I pushed the thought out of my mind, finished bussing my last table for the night, and went home enjoy the rest of my Friday night.

At 4:30 AM I went to sleep, at 8:00 AM I was blinking in the mirror deciding if my stomach was uneasy enough to call in sick. I walked in the back door at 9:00AM. It's damn near impossible to get a Saturday morning shift covered. I greeted the Mexicans not by names but by phrases that are unique to the individual.

“Hey man, how's it going?”

“What's going on bro?”

“Mornin'”

“How you doin brother?”

Every Saturday was the same. I'm on time, setup the dish machine, dump the garbages that are light enough for one person, and wait for Fred. Fred is a highly functioning autistic man whom has worked in the restaurant for 20 years. He's balding, has a wife with down syndrome, and gets paid vacation. He's also near worthless in a dishroom. He has no sense of urgency nor does he care about the workload he puts on his co-workers with his apathy. Say what you will, but I think it's incredibly open minded of me to hate a retarded person.

After our prep is done, I wrap potatoes for baking and Fred cuts various types of lettuces for salads, I get to work on catching up the dishroom. It takes a lot of dishes to open a restaurant, it takes even more baked potatoes. Fred wanders around muttering his own brand of Spanish to himself. Sooner or later a manager will tell him to go bus tables. If he's been especially illusive I'll have to go out with him so the servers can sit their customers. No matter how fast I clear tables the dishroom always gets behind. Plates, glasses, and silverware pile-up so quickly that by the time I'm done bussing and step back behind the sink I can't see out of the dishroom.

`I organize the dishroom into sections, organize dishes onto a tray, push it through the dishwasher, and stack it anywhere there is room. I do this for half an hour before Fred comes back with his first bus tub of dishes. He doesn't unload it right away, rather he steps out of view, giggles at me, and takes out a bag of peanuts from his pocket.

“I'm going on my lunch now huh?”

“Sure are Freddy. Hurry you've still got to catch up on tables”

“Rapido Freddy! Mas mesas!”

Fred can waste time like I didn't think was possible in the food service industry.

Every week is the same, I can set my watch to Fred's ramblings and shortcomings. My two hour break is cut down to one so I can help the other dishers that came in dig their way out of the hole Fred and I dug.

I'm not going in this Saturday. I've got too much I want to do. I want to sleep in a bit, go to a competing restaurant before their lunch rush, I want to leave a good tip for the waitress, and I want to watch their bus boys to see if they're as miserable as I am. If they are, I may go back next week.

It's coming.

2009-11-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, when I'm hungry and lonesome. I block the pain in my stomach and my soul with daydreams of food I'd like to be eating. More often than not I drift back to my childhood and my family's old restaurant. The Belle Starr was started by my Mom, Dad, and some nerd that used to intimidate me (though I'm almost positive I could stare him down as I grab a handful of his daughter's ass now. Unless he has a gay son, then I guess I'd just stare him down.) My Dad and his friend Jason ran the kitchen and pumped out quality food that Heber was not accustomed to but welcomed with open arms. Eventually the restaurant died with a Len Bias type of potential and I moved to Orem/Provo; and as much good food I've had nothing has struck the same chord as The Belle Starr. I've been hoping and praying that something with the same simplistic soul would come to Utah County and today I think I found it.

Enter Joe's Cafe, owned by Joe Hicks, one of the nicest guys I've met, and located at 1126 South State Street. It's a small building, so small that you can see his dry good storage behind the register. As I walked in I got a friendly hello from the girl working the counter, whom I later found out was Joe's wife's sister. We were given menus and sat ourselves. The menu was unpretentious, no frilly adjectives or clever names, nothing to detract from the food itself. I had only been sitting down for a couple of minutes before I heard Joe's voice fill the room. He'd come out of the kitchen to greet my Mom and myself. He noticed that we were new customers and immediately started hitting on my mom. He made up for it later when he found out that the only grits where from Cracker Barrel and gave me a free sample of something that was totally different that the flavorless glue like substince that Lora brought me after she forgot to refill my drink for the third time. Man I hate Cracker Barrel.

Joe's grits were amazing and I plan on having them for breakfast over hashbrowns as long as Joe is in the kitchen. I ordered Ana's Omelet which consists of 3 eggs, jalapenos, green peppers, mushrooms, chicken, and topped with cheese. Mom got biscuits and gravy that blasted away any other biscuits and gravy I had tried previously. We were the only patrons at the time so we got regular visits from Joe before, during, and after we ordered. The food was great, the sweet potato pie was a fitting dessert, and the atmosphere was perfect. Joe's Cafe gets 5 stars and Joe gets a Happy Birthday shoutout. Tear it up on Thursday Joe.

Allow me to get dramatic. When was the last time you were simultaneously assured by the head cook and owner that your food would be cooked well with attention to detail, respect for the ingredients, and with your enjoyment in mind? The closest we usually come to is a programmed sentenced uttered from a waitress that usually only ensures that she'll try not to forget what you're drinking. Joe's Cafe is something special, good simple food made by a man with an infectious laugh and a want to please his customers.

As Provo's University Avenue continues it's downward spiral of overpriced restaurants that focus more on, for a lack of a better word, trendy-chic atmosphere instead of food. Orem's State street is on the culinary rise. EZ Takeout Burger has fallen and Joe's Cafe, Pho, and a new mexican joint I forgot the name of have risen. Hopefully it's a sign of things to come and we can get less chain restaurants and more quality food in Utah County.

Amen.

Happy Hour

2009-10-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

On the corner of 8th North and 5th West there's a taco shop called Guanajuato. My go to taco shop is usually Taco Riendo but in these tough times and my careless spending habits tacos can get expensive. Guanajuato understands this, that's why they have happy hour. From 4-6 pm tacos are a dollar and burritos are 3.50. For those prices you don't expect quality but they're some damn fine tacos. Also, their salsa bar is awesome. 3 red sauces, a green sauce, pico de gallo, cilantro, onions, radishes, lime, and cheese. That's right they've got cheese on their salsa bar. Unprecedented. These fools even serve you water if you don't order a soft drink and give you chips and salsa. Chips and salsa shouldn't come with dollar tacos unless you're dying or royalty. Guanajuato from 4-6pm is a happy dream world where anything can happen. I wouldn't be surprised if the Esurance girl walked in topless next time I go in. Or maybe the Olsen twins could practice eating things off my index finger.

Los 3 Amigos

2009-09-02T16:18:00.001-07:00

The other day, my friend Jamie was jonesing for some "quality mexican food" we rolled up to our usual spot El Mexal. However we rolled up 5 minutes before they closed and instead of being pricks and ordering a lot of food and leaving a litte tip we decided to find someplace that wasn't closing at 10 pm on a friday, maybe saturday. I can't remember. The place we chanced upon was Los 3 amigos on University Avenue. I'd had some ok menudo there before so we decided to give it a shot. It's terrible, and not only that it's going out of business any second now. Those fools are charging for refills on anything from soda to chips and salsa. The quality of their ingredients is shameful. Veggies straight out of the can instead of out of the ground. Their enchilada sauce is worse than Betos'. Don't go there, let them fizzle out of the food scene. I just hope they aren't replaced with another Cafe Rio.

Sandwiches

2009-08-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

Sandwiches are more than meat in between two slices of bread. Here are some sandwiches that are damn good and sometimes overlooked.

The Croque-Monsieru: A hot ham sandwich topped with a Mornay sauce, a basic bechamel sauce with grated cheese added to it, and broiled until the cheese is nice and bubbly.

You can also add a fried or poached egg and it will become a Croque-Madame.

It's a warm ham sandwich so you should put a big ole smear of mustard on it, dijon if you can.

The Monte Cristo: You've probably heard of this one and vowed to never try it. It's a triple decker sandwich that can either be friend or served on french toast. The kicker is to use jam, powdered sugar, fresh fruit, or maple syrup as a condiment. Some people can't stomach the idea of mixing sweet and savory but Lordy does it work on this sandwich. Ham, Turkey, Cheese, a little mayo, a little mustard, tons of butter, and raspberry jam. I like to assemble the sandwich on french toast and stick it in the oven for a little to let the innards get warm and the cheese to melt.

The Kentucky Hot Brown: An open faced turkey sandwich covered in Mornay sauce and topped with bacon. I like to lay as many pieces of white bread that'll fit into a casserole dish, add the sliced roasted turkey, and pour on the sauce. Bake until bubbly and brown. Top with thick slices of crispy bacon. Some people add a slice of fresh tomato. If that's your thing go for it.

The Cuban: Immigrants do more than break their backs for shitty pay, they almost always improve the food scene. This is Cuba's contribution to the U.S. To have a legit Cuban, you need cuban bread. A long loaf of bread that is flaky on the inside yet has a crunchy crust, it also goes stale in about a day. Butter this bread and add glazed ham, slow roasted pork that's been marinated in mojo sauce, salami, dill pickles, swiss cheese, and mustard. Now press it in a plancha (basically a panina press without the grooves) and enjoy. This sandwich is a great example of what a bunch of poor immigrants in close proximity can come up with. The pork and bread cuban, the ham spanish, the salami Italian, and the dill pickles and cheese is from the local palate.

Run Dry

2009-08-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

This blog was supposed to be about local restaurants, and I think I've done a total of two posts on the subject. One was very thorough though. I haven't eaten anywhere new in a long time, hell I've barely left my room. I need someone to recommend me some new places to eat. Keep in mind that places like Rooster have no shot of making the cut. I'm not paying 20 bones to be surrounded by hipsters in deep-v's and skinny jeans and only get 5 dollars worth of food. Thanks in advance.

Trifecta

2009-07-31T01:58:00.001-07:00

The best things come in threes. Also suicides but we can look past that. You've got some basic pre-thought out combos i.e. big, fries, and a drink. That's boring. Think outside the box and get on my level.

Across the street from my workplace there's a Maverick. It is adventures first stop. On long days after I've closed up and haven't had shit to eat I take of my work shirt, let down my hair, and feeling like a full-fledged bad ass walk into Maverick and put on a show. The Anchor each time is a bahama mama hot dog with mustard, cholula, and chipotle mayo. After assembling the aforementioned hot dog (I like to call it the "Shiyit, I'm the boss") I wander over to the drink wall. There are basically two choices for me personally. A rockstar or that nesquick chocolate shake drank. The final element is always varying depending on how my day went or how bad my knees hurt. Walk around the store like you're stealing shit until what you're looking for finds you. Some examples of the things that have found me; a king size peanut butter twix, ranch corn nuts, chili cheese fritos, sunflower seeds, frozen yogurt, those strawberry shortcake popsicles that kick so much ass, and a truck stop hooker named Glenda (I worked a double that day).

I don't know where to go from here so I'll list some other trinities I've done.

Family sized Stouffer's macaroni and cheese, two bottles of Sangria Senoral, and ham and cheese Hot Pockets.

Rotisserre chicken, french bread, and a Dr. Thunder.

Cazier.

9 del taco tacos, a churro, and a chocolate shake.

An omellette, grape kool-aid, and an english muffin.

Pastrami burger, corn dog, and a cherry coke.

Sorry if I keep writing about food I'm going to throw up. My stupid ass ate a digorno pizza, reese's peanut butter cups, and swedish fish at two in the morning. I also knocked down a couple Dr. Thunders. Quarter pops will be the death of me.

Last Meal Game

2009-07-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

We've all played this at sleepovers when it's too late to have a normal conversation and too early to argue religion. You're getting executed tomorrow, what do you have for your last meal? And there's always a little shit that says something like spaghettio's and applecores. Fuck that kid. The same kid that puts only ketchup on his hot dog and gets it in his gross wispy white hair, on his splotchy pink cheeks, and in between his tiny unevenly spaced teeth. Man, white people have the grossest kids. Do the world a favor and have a mixed baby.

Back on topic. People generally choose between the most expensive thing they've ever eaten or whatever their mom made them when they grew up. I'm a proponent of the latter. I can't think of any meal I've had a restaurant that was so good that it made me go retarded for a second. My mom's pork chops do every time. There's something to that mix of garlic, sage, and pork fat that gives me a fat spurt of serotonin so intense that I forget my name and address for a second. The thought of chili stew and fry bread sends me back to the reservation like nothing else can. Even though I've never had a chili stew taste the same way twice. Roasted corn on the cob in the husk with tons of butter and salt tastes how a drum group sounds at noon with nothing but a warm can of coke to drink. I can't think of a good time I've had without remembering the food I had with it. Good food brings you home, and good chefs make that happen without ever laying an eye on you. Good chefs are hard to come by but that doesn't matter the least bit. My last meal would come to roughly 7 bones, 8.50 with a soda.

London Broil

2009-06-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight I made a stuffed London Broil, I'd give a B. It needs some refining. Aight so check this out, I started by butterflying the meat so I'd have a wide flat canvas of sorts. I did muck this step up a bit. One end was ripped to shit. Once it's all cut up and nice, cover it in plastic wrap and even it out with a mallet or a rolling pin. Now get that shit marinading.

Beef Marinade

Balsamic Vinegar
Dijon Mustard
Honey
Parsley
Black Pepper
Salt

Again, I don't measure things. Through in like a quarter cup of balsamic, three hefty squeezes of Dijon, about a tablespoon and a half of honey. Parsley is in there simply for the green. Add a lot of pepper, you want to have a strong pepper aroma to the marinade. Add salt as you deem fit.

If you plan ahead let the meat marinate for like 12 hours. If you're like me, you'll marinate it for 3-5 hours and hope to God that's long enough.

For the stuffing, add a little butter in a saute pan , fry up some onions, once they get translucent add diced up red bell pepper. Again add enough salt to pull some moisture out of the vegetables. Next add some portabello mushrooms. Let that cook down, and get nice and al dente.

Lay out the meat, add the stuffing and roll. Tress it if you can, if not...fuck it. Put it in a shallow pan and cover it in the marinade. Deglaze your saute pan with some red whine. Add butter to emulsify and reduce down until the alcohol is gone. Add that sauce to your shallow pan. roast it low and slow.

I've also thought of searing the meat and using the marinade and wine reduction to make an epic sauce. The stuffing could just be used as a tasty garnish.

Remember, anyone can make a fucking t-bone taste good. With a little work you can turn a three dollar cut of meat taste just as good, if not better than a fifteen dollar one. And in case you were wondering Katrina's asparagus kicked ass and Trace made some badass mashed potatoes.

Stuck in a Rut

2009-06-10T18:45:00.000-07:00

At my house you eat meat. And if I cooked, that's all you're getting. All I cook is meat. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing it and am somewhat proud that I haven't fucked up too bad on my endeavors, but I'm in a rut. I ignore sides. Starch? Vegetables? Who needs those to clutter up a plate? To be honest, just about everyone does. I'm going to make a concerted effort to stop ignoring the sides and start putting together complete meals. Of course there's nothing wrong with having the meat be center stage for a meal. For example, all the pork al pastor I made a couple of nights ago needed were some corn tortillas and toppings of your choosing. But, the stuffed london broil I made tonight needed sides. So I asked two good friends to help me out. Katrina is going to make her rosemary asparagus and Trace will make mashed potatoes and we're going to have a legitimate meal at Daguyz' house. And it would have been perfect if I hadn't done a terrible job estimating the cooking time for the london broil. Yeah, it's done and the sides have yet to be started. I need to work on getting everything to come to temp at the same time but hopefully I can get that shit down within a week or so. I'm going to start posting some recipes of the shit I make just on the off chance that somebody reads this and wants to make some of the shit I talk about. Also so I don't forget them. If you do plan on making this shit, know that I don't measure seasonings, and am doing this as I go not off of an existing recipe. For your sake read through the recipe once or twice before you start doing shit as it may not be in chronological order.

Pork Al Pastor
1 6-8lb bone in pork shoulder
1 medium yellow onion
1 can of diced pineapple
1 Lime
Cumin
Garlic
Salt
Pepper
Sriracha
A shot of Tequila (Optional)
Cilantro (Optional)

First off, trim some of the fat off the pork shoulder. You'll want to leave some though, it's a long cooking process and you want that fat and connective tissue to break down for flavor. And I do recommend a bone in shoulder because that will also add flavor. Rub the shoulder down with some vegetable oil, or olive oil, or whatever the hell oil you prefer. Season with salt, pepper, cumin, and garlic. I don't measure this stuff so sorry. You don't want too much cumin or it will overpower the rest of the seasonings. In a frying pan, throw some butter in to the pan until it's nice and hot but not burning. You'll want the burner on about medium-hi heat. Throw in the diced onion and add salt. You don't want a lot of salt, just enough to pull the moisture out of the onion so it'll be nice and caramalized. You'll notice the butter and onion juice will start to form a brown sticky pad on the bottom of the pan, this is great. Once those onions get translucent, and the diced pineapple. Let them get buddy buddy for about 7 minutes and than deglaze the pan with the tequila, pineapple juice, and lime juice. Deglazing is just adding a liquid to get the aforementioned brown sticky goodness off the bottom of the pan. Add a squirt of sriracha hot sauce, how much you use depends on how hot you like your food. Let that simmer and reduce down to a nice consistency. In a dutch oven, or whatever oven safe pan you have that's big enough for the shoulder, pour your sauce over the pork shoulder. Add the cilantro, if you're using fresh cilantro bruise up the leaves to release it's natural oils/flavor. Now cover up that pot and cook in the oven. The lower you cook the pork, the longer you'll cook your pork, and the more tender it'll be. If you get the pork in the oven before 10:00AM I'd say cook at 225-250 until dinner time. If you get it in after, cook at 350 for an hour for every pound of shoulder you have i.e. 8lb shoulder coock for 8 hours. Every couple of hours get a spoon and baste the meat, and flip the meat about halfway through the cooking so it has a nice bark all around it. Serve it in tacos or whatever the hell you want.

Pork

2009-05-27T12:50:00.001-07:00

Pork is to ambrosia as skinless chicken breast is to bland. Whether you're referring to a delicious meal or a euphemism for sexing when the word comes up smiles creep on everybody's faces. Juicy, full of flavor, marries well with multitudes of seasonings, and you can cook every damn part of it into an immaculate dish. Take a look at this chart to study the various cuts of pork.

Or to simplify

Too oft has pork been overlooked and underrated by the masses. From head to toe a delicious best. Throw on a pot of beans and throw in some hamhocks. You'll be surprised on how tender and tasty pig's feet get. Suck the gelly like meat off the bone and suck at the marrow. You won't regret it and it'd be a shame if these parts continue to be wasted.

Speaking of ham, get yourself some. Slow roast it and serve it with some potato salad and pork n beans. It is a trifecta from heaven. Put it on a sandwich with mustard on rye.

Pulled pork isn't just what you call your frizzled dick after you've jerked off for 4 consecutive hours instead of sleeping because you finally found a virus free Kim Kardashian sex tap download. It is also BBQ greatness.

The key to pork is patience. Pork is always the best when you give it plenty of time to reach it's potential. Don't rush it, you want Tyrus Thomas not Kwame Brown.

Edit* check this shit out http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_157/ Seriously could be the coolest thing that's ever happened.

An interesting correlation

2009-05-04T00:57:00.000-07:00

Quickly think of four groups of people you hate.

If you're like me you thought of old people, foreigners, college students, and children. Do you know what all these people have in common? They are all shitty tippers. If you want to find out if someone is an asshole take them to a restaurant and see how they tip. 10% or less and you can tell him to fuck off, a gratuitous tip but equally gratuitous mention of said tip tell him to fuck off, lays 15-20% and doesn't say shit give the bastard a pat on the back.

However, leaving a small tip can be justified if you have a shitty waitress. ff your waitress is doing a shitty job, drop a shit ton of hints or straight up tell her. If she continues to ignore your empty glass and bring the cholula leave a small tip. Her living is contingent on other people's generosity and she needs to realize that people aren't going to throw money at her, she has to do more than the bare minimum if she wants to stop living off of food stamps.

Chicken Sandwich

2009-04-29T04:15:00.000-07:00

I personally am somewhat against chicken. 9 times out of 10 it's dry and tasteless. Two words that should never be associated with food and always associated with relationships I will some day have. However, I did have an idea for a chicken sandwich that may be ok if properly executed. You start out with chicken breast. It's best to flatten the breast so it's even in thickness and will finish cooking at the same time. This is one of the many ways chicken breasts differ from human breasts.
Season the breast with lemon pepper, salt, pepper, garlic, and rosemary. Yet another difference between breasts, human breast are seasoned with honey, liquor, chocolate, and citrus fruits. Cook up that breast until the juices run clear and not a second later. No dry ass chicken on this sandwich. On top of the chicken put a couple of slices of canadian bacon, add some canned green chili's and finally top it off with swiss cheese. Put this tower under the broiler for until the cheese is melted. Now throw this on a lightly tested bun with mayo and mustard and you should have one hell of a sandwich. Sorry for the lack of the pictures I'm lazy and now that I think of it it may be a welcome change.

My Generic Spring Post

2009-04-22T00:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, spring is here. And that means that I can stop giving the sex eye to girls in jeans and tight sweaters and start giving it to girls in sundresses. Also joggers don't look as stupid now. Soon burning charcoal will pilfer the air and stupid ass kids will dart in front of cars. Come mid-May the Jazz season will most likely be over and I'll need something to make me want to get up in the morning. I could get a girlfriend and ruin the house chemistry or start collecting things. I'm too lazy and disorganized for either so I will barbecue. I will surround myself with soda pop and potato chips. Worry about marinades, glazes, and rubs. I will undercook cheap ground beef and watch people eat it because they're too polite to ask me to put it back on the grill. I'll be having a BBQ on Saturday to celebrate the playoffs and a friend's birthday. I'm looking to cook up some burgers, hot dogs, short ribs, and some beef sirloin tip steaks. All will be heavily seasoned with liquid smoke and a dry rub I bought from some place. Shit, I may even do some kebabs. I hope it doesn't suck and not everyone gets sick. I'm also hoping for hella honeys wearing sun dresses. Amen.

My Favorite Lullaby

2009-04-20T02:44:00.000-07:00

http://www.richardjohnston.com/audio/JESSIE_MAE_AND-Chicken_And.mp3 *

How awesome is it to be promised various pies and soul food to stop being a pussy and stop crying? That's like being paid to not do your job or getting mad poontang without kissing ass.

I thought about doing a thing about my favorite songs about food but it's like 3 in the morning. I do recommend MMM...Food by MF Doom because of every got-danged song is about food.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNppG7vRZ-I

This gets ins because Burl Ives is the shit, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

If I can figure this blogger stuff out I plan on making Chicken and Gravy the automatic song that plays when you go to this blog. If I can figure out the universe I plan on making Chicken and Gravy play every time you defecate. I think that'd be a nice song to defecate to. Maybe I'll make a playlist of songs that make you smile more when you shit.

*I don't know how to make that a link. I'm hoping it will happen automatically but that hasn't worked out well for me in most ventures.

**http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDv5ScIuw48 Also this is a song that has food in the title.

Snacks

2009-04-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

The only thing that's better than eating is snacking. There are countless snack foods and most are delicious, these are the most delicious. They are also the most likely to be present during the playoffs.

#1 Pork Rinds

If you want to find out if something is awesome or not all you have to do is find the female fan to male fan ratio. If it 3:1 or higher it's lame, e.g. Twilight, Dane Cook, and the year 1920. In comparison, the ratio of 1:3 denotes awesome, e.g. the WWF/WWE, Water World, and pornagraphy. Pork rinds are awesome because I've never met a girl that likes them, ever. Just last week I was sitting around enjoying a bag of spicy pork rinds. I was feeling pretty generous, offering the bag to anybody that looked interested as opposed to eating the bag alone in my room with the door locked. The only reaction I got from girls were looks of disgust and fear.

#2 Crispy M&M's

Sadly they no longer make these. They were the best m&m I'd ever had and I most likely will never have again. And you thought The Notebook was sad.

#3 Chili Cheese Fritos

Fritos alone are kick ass, as are both chili and cheese. Some beautiful-minded freak added all three together.

An artist's rendering of said event.

This trifecta from hell is so powerful that the family size bag is the same size as a normal bag of Doritos. This is not frugality, it's safety.

#4 Doritos

Speaking of Doritos they pop in at number four. Generally this is the snack food that comes to mind but it's not the best. The great thing about doritos is that there's a flavor for everybody. I personally prefer the Nacho Cheesier but I find that women prefer Cooler Ranch. What's that say about Cooler Ranch exactly?

#5 Corn Nuts
https://ssl9.chi.us.securedata.net/theheadnut.com/merchantmanager/images/uploads/corn%20nuts.jpg

Corn is the Magyver of food. It can do absolutely anything. Corn Nuts are the shit anyway you look at it. The best flavor is Chile Picante con limon. The most popular is ranch. After you read this I strongly encourage you to buy both and make the correct assessment.

If you disagree with any of these choices you can suck it.

Rice King

2009-04-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote a little bit about Rice King in my first post, if you haven't read it than you won't mind the redundancy. First off, let me say that Rice King is legit. The food is legit, the service is legit, and it's only a dollar to get a refill of steamed rice. That shit is more legit than the wife on the George Lopez Show. In fact even more legit than the daughter on the George Lopez Show. But not as legit as Ernie, that fool knows what's up.

Anyway, Rice King has some good food for insanely cheap prices. You get a dinner combo and it will come with a main dish, an eggroll, ham fried rice, a soda, and a bowl of soup and it only costs $6.25. That's a bargain any way you slice it. If you go to Rice King make sure you leave hella tip because it's well deserved.

Bourbon Sauce isn't all it's cracked up to be

2009-03-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

I just had the new Carl's Jr. promotional burger and am a little pissed I did. It all started about 2 1/2 weeks ago, me and my homie Trace went on a 11:30 p.m. food run. Instead of going to the usual Betos we hit up Carls Jr. where I saw a huge ass poster in the window advertising the Kentuck Bourbon Burger.

Shits tight, right? This is the burger that could replace the gaping whole the Loaded Steakhouse once filled. If only the sauce didn't taste like concentrated rodent urine. Despite the sauce I'd rank this as my third least favorite promotional burger.

Here is the complete list of my favorite Carls Jr. Promotional burgers.

The Portobello Swiss Burger

I ordered this for probably a month and a half straight. Whether it was before a ball game, after a ball game, or both this shit was going in my mouth. Is this the reason that I haven't improved my game after playing basketball for 15 years? Yes. Was it worth it? Most definitely

The Philly Cheese Steak Burger

This is what happens when a Charizard and a Dragonite have babies. Pure and utter mind-fucking brilliance.

The Chili Cheese Burger

Whenever you add chili and cheese to a burger I'm a happy guy. Carl's Jr.'s chili was kind of grainy and wierd but damnit it tasted good.

The Jalapeno Burger

Just looking at this bohemoth makes you feel like you've already eaten it. This is a damn good burger and would probably be my number 3 if I wasn't such a pussy when it comes to spicy foods. Seriously though, just look at it.

The Prime Rib Burger

I'd rather eat the placenta of a child that was born out of wedlock than this. Just to clarify, this is worse than the Kentucky Bourbon Burger.

The Charbroiled Sonnabitch

It wasn't even a burger. It was rubbery rectangle of chewy meat that didn't tast good no matter what you put on it. Still ranks ahead of the Prime Rib though.

A meal ain't complete till you eats some god damn meat!

2009-03-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

Self-explanatory but what the hell. I don't understand vegetarians and their ilk. (For the sake of this blog the definition of vegetarian is simply a pretentious masochist).

How does that not turn you on?

You're lying to yourself if you think it doesn't. While your pansy conscious brain is telling you that "Meat is gross," "That used to be alive," or, worst of all, "It's not even cooked all the way!" your thalamus is going ape shit crazy with all sorts of primal urges. Like "If that's not mine I'm taking it," "Where's the A-1?" "Holy shit that used to be alive!" and "Do I eat it or fuck it first?" We are animals and no amount of ambient rock or philosophy majors is going to change that. Try and deny it but you can feel your body smile when presented with a fine piece of meat (or J-lo's ass).

I've also noticed that a large majority of vegetarians are also agnostics or atheists. When these special kind of people aren't talking about that P.E.T.A video about those chickens; they're flapping their delicate jaws about "The Flying Spaghetti Monster" and pretend to know more about evolution and natural selection than Charles Darwin's last name. Our bodies were designed to eat meat, therefore if they really believed in evolution they would eat meat. That's like being a Christian and saying the 10 commandments are just for show.

Hot Sauce

2009-03-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

What makes good things great and meer mortals legends? Some people say a strong female companion. These people are fools.
Now, what's the difference between Tits and Titties? Once again the answer is Hot Sauce. If your answer was along the lines of "There isn't one." Take a look at this

If you still can't tell the difference your dick's broke.

Like the old saying goes, "If it's worth eating, it's worth putting hot sauce on." If you've never used hot sauce before (faggot) it can be overwhelming trying to find the perfect firsty. Basically everybody's first hot sauce was Tabasco.

Tabasco is that girl with the creepy stepdad that shows the boys her panties at recess, it's a good attention grabber, and peaks your curiosity enough to try some crazy shit*, but doesn't have that much to offer, knows it doesn't have enough to offer and overcompensates. That's a hell of a metaphor if you paid attention.

*I once drank a shot of tabasco. My throat snapped shut cutting off my air supply. The doctor said that this was to prevent anymore hot sauce from entering my throat but I knew it was to prevent me from screaming like a pussy. Long story short, Blake gave me the heimlech until I threw up in his sink. I couldn't eat tabasco on any of my foods for a month.This was a blessing in disguise because it turned me on to new hot sauces. The first was El Pato.
I guess my family is the only one that uses El Pato like a normal hot sauce, most people use it mainly for cooking. My big knock on El Pato was that it only came in a can and it was a bitch to open and store but they fixed that with a bottled version. The bottled does taste a little different but it's still damn good.

The second hot sauce that I tried was Tapatio.

I tried this because I had seen it at nearly every Mexican restaurant I've been to. It had good flavor but said flavor was overpowered by the heat. I'm not man enough for Tapatio yet.

Crystal's Louisiana Hot Sauce

This was always at Traces house so I hit it up. It's damn good but for some reason I never buy it or think of it.

Cholula

This is my favorite hot sauce and I do my best to keep it stocked up at the house. It's the perfect mixture of heat and flavor. I guess it could use a little more heat but it's the best I've tried so far.

If you'd like to learn more about Hot Sauce (or anything else that's worth knowing) get yourself a copy of Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox.

Notes on Hot Sauce:

My favorite quote about hot sauce is, "I don't want to put too much importance on hot sauce, but I don't think I'm overstepping my bounds when I say hot sauce is to food what salvation is to humanity. Bland people like bland food, and the merit of your character wil lultimately be determined by your preference for spicy food." Ref The Alphabet of Manliness pg 72.

My first experience with hot sauce was when my mom put Tabasco on her breast to stop me from breast feeding. It didn't work.

People that successfully make their own hot sauce automatically get into heaven.

The intake of hot sauce makes the hair on your balls grow faster and with greater shine and managability. If you;re a woman hot sauce makes you wish you had the balls to really enjoy it and reduces the need to trim "down there".

James Mckinney is the shit. He did a shot of Texas Sweat Jalapeno Sauce, wasn't satisfied with that and went straight to the bottle which he chugged mightily, and finished by licking two kinds of hot sauce and Nyquil off of a dirty cutting board. If you see Mr. Mckinney and want to congratulate him here's how to do it. First: Approach slowly, don't make eye contact, somehow acknowledge that he is indeed a maniac, and go for a firm hand shake with your jaw set.

El Salvador; More than the place that makes your t-shirts

2009-03-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's also a mighty fine restaurant. One of the few places that's keeping Center Street bearable, it often gets overshadowed by gaudy Joe Vera's and out muscled by Los Hermanos' fried ice cream. My limited experience (I've been there exactly two times in the past 5 years) has left me with good impressions. Their rice and beans are immaculate. The beans actually have some flavor, a rarity in most restaurants whose common practice is to dump water into a giant pot of refried beans whenever they get too crusty. The rice is also flavorful and is cooked fairly well. Mix these bad boys together and lordy lord.

Their rice and beans my be great but that's hardly something that will win over new customers. People these days are always looking for the hot new thing they can tell their friends about. Enter pupusas.

A pupusa is a stuffed ass corn tortilla. Like most good things it's fairly simple, make a thick corn tortilla and fill it with typical good things i.e. cheese, beans, meat. The thing that makes this a damn good food is the slaw that is served with it. I'm sure the masa has a lot to do with it too but damn I love that slaw. I only know of two places to get pupusas and only one place to get a good pupusa. So next time you're feel like, ummm...do I call it Mexican Food? Hispanic food? Shit. Go to El Salvador!

Note: This isn't a place to take a date. It's filled with ethnics that will stare your punk ass down, steal your girl, and make her their "main bitch".

Who almost ruined it more?

2009-01-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

Two of the best movies this year and two of the most face palming flaccid inducing lead female roles ever cast. Also two last names that I refuse to spell more than once each, if that. These two actually piss me off more than having to sit through previews of The Women while some chubby piece of shit hacks chewed popcorn on the back of my neck as she cackles like a goat mid-castration every time Jada Smith snaps her fingers and screams "I'm a lesbian get used to it!!!" Seriously, the writing in that movie made Full House look like a Mel Brooks classic. But I digress, you know what fuck it I'm too frustrated to finish this. Jada Smith can suck a bag a dicks while Renee squints in the corner at Maggie Gyllenhaal trying to turn that bulldog face into somthing useful other than a place to throw the dinner she ruined.

Superbowl Foods

2009-01-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

February 1st all hell is breaking out at Cj's house. The Superbowl is God's way of saying "Sorry for January." and we graciously accept the undeserving apology by busting out the manliest foods known to man. Chili, BBQ, exotic cheeses, buffalo wings, nachos, and even brief jerky.

You can't rush into that kind of food, you have to strategize. Thusly this is my game plan so far, Split into 3 parties of 3, party alpha goes to Fuddruckers and orders 1lb. burgers for everybody no exceptions. Party Beta goes to Wingers to pick up a shit ton of wings and some sticky fingers for people that like chewing drywall covered in sauce. The Charlies are in charge getting at least four kinds of sodas, three kinds of Doritos, and two miscellanous snack foods. Pizza for dessert.

I passed

2008-12-26T12:49:00.000-08:00

The great thing about Beto's, other than the great food at low prices, is that you have to be dedicated to eat there regularly. I'm sure everyone remember's their first Beto's, probably because it felt like they were giving birth to Gmork the servant to the powerful Nothing from the Never Ending Story through their anus.

It's a common misconception that this is because of low-quality meat and poor food handling skills but it's actually a purposeful act to weed out the weak. Long time Beto's eaters know that just because you passed the first test doesn't mean it's over. Beto's is going to keep you on your toes and throw in salmonella, E.coli, and other generic funk to test your dedication. Last night's stomach cramping and hellish fever almost broke mine but I'll never stop eating Beto's. I am going to lay off of the texano burrito for awhile though.

Conflicting Boners

2008-12-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

Today, yesterday if you're reading this today Sunday if you're reading this sometime after that, I had a plan. Eat, shower, and be asleep by 10 so I could get 8 hours sleep and start this week off right. I kind of sort of stuck of stuck to the plan and didn't get to sleep until 11:30. Let me tell you why. Giada De Laurentiis' boobs and a reluctant lust for Rachel Ray's thick frame. Also contempt for Bobby Flay's smug ass smirk and respect for Mario Batali's pseudoass-kicker/ponytail combo.

You see, there was a special Iron Chef on last night that left me so conflicted I almost started a diary. The gist was they'd pit two food network celebrities against each other the competitors were Giada; the top-heavy Italian I've always dreamed of versus the gaping mouth hole of dumpy breasted Rachel Ray. No problem, I love Giada as much as I hate Rachel Ray, I have somebody to cheer for. But the chairman had to go M. Night Shyamalan on my ass by adding an uneccessary twist for no apparent reason. The two competitors would matchup with two iron chefs. Using logic I assumed they'd match up Bobby Flay and Rachel Ray because they'd have rhyming last names and that'd give Rachel Ray something else to never shut up about. And if Giada and Batali were partners they'd make Italian food so good it'd balance out the damage places like Fazoli's have done. I was mistaken, they stuck that self-serving puckered asshole with Giada. That left Batali with Rachel Ray,it was like Karl Malone going to the Lakers all over again.
Now what? Do I stop rooting for something I love because of Bobby Flay or do I root for something I hate because Mario Batali's awesome?

A drunken Mario won the battle, proving that with enough alcohol you can work with anybody. This taught me a valuable lesson. Just because I sit two chairs down from somebody that calls himself "The Chad" doesn't mean I should quit my job or beat my dog more than he deserves.

Hot Damn it's Christmas

2008-12-13T12:35:00.000-08:00

We're finally getting our first real no snow here in Provo and that got me thinking about Christmas. Now, Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday for awhile simply because reckless over-indulgence and near comatose naps are two things that speak to me so strongly I get weak-kneed just thinking about it, but I'm starting to wonder if I chose my favorite holiday too hastily. Christmas is pretty awesome in it's own right and could very well be a better holiday. The trick to comparing the two is ignoring the little things, like the fact that the pilgrims went ape shit on the natives after Thanksgiving and that Christmas is pretty much based on a pagan holiday, and focus on what really matters, the food.

A typical Thanksgiving dinner is composed of Turkey, stuffing or dressing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, some sort of vegetable, and pies. That's a formidable line up. And while I don't get one epic large dinner on Christmas, I do know that I'm going to be eating a lot of good shit the last two weeks of December. Namely, Lengua or Ham on Chritmas day, bunuelos, hot cocoa, apple cider, Grandma's tamales, clementine oranges, Great Grandma's doughnuts, chocolate oranges, and stuffed mushrooms. That's a hell of an asortment but it loses points because, like I stated early, I don't get it all in one day.

In the matchup of meat the point goes to Christmas; ham or tongue. Turkey is just alright with me, a lot of the time it's dry and kind of bland whereas ham is everything I love in a peice of meat. Moist, fatty, and smoked. Tongue is the most tender cut of beef you will ever get and tastes like cocaine snorted from a g-note off of Jessica Simpson's breasts. Let's be honest, turkey never had a chance.

Thanksgiving gets the point in side dishes because they all work together beautifully to keep people from wondering why they'd rather eat turkey than another meat on one of the greatest days of the year. Stuffed mushrooms deserve some mention here. They're more of an appetizer than a side dish but they are tasty and easy to make. Cook up Jimmy Dean sausage, mix that sausage with a package of cream cheese, put sausage cream cheese mixture in to a mushroom cap and put in the oven until the mushroom is cooked.

Desert is a little tougher. I'd rather have pie for dessert than steak for dinner, especially if that pie is pumpkin, pecan, or blueberry, but I only get bunuelos one time a year. If you don't know what bunuelos are they're a lot like churros but instead of crispy on the outside soft on the inside cylinders covered in cinnamon and sugar bunuelos are deep fried chips covered in cinnamon, sugar and anise. At least they are in my family, other people make bunuelos like fritters and fill them with all sorts of stuff. Point goes to Thanksgiving I guess, mainly because not everyone gets bunuelos and my grandma's doughnuts for Christmas.

Christmas gets the point for miscellaneous junk. I've given myself the shits every Christmas since I was introduced to clementine oranges. These little bastards are more flavorful and easier to peel than normal oranges but are about a third the size making it very eat to eat too many blissfully. My grandma's tamale's are heavenly and she only makes them for weddings and Christmas. I don't like going to weddings so I only get them at Christmas. I don't care too much for hot chocolate because it's too sweet, but on a cold day not much beats hot cocoa with cinnamon or hot apple cider.

I think Christmas is getting the edge in my new favorite holiday, there's too much good food mixed with good Christmas specials with good lessons for it not to be. Merry Christmas to you and yours, if you'd like to spread some Christmas cheer you can bring me a damn pie. Pumpkin, pecan, or Mcdonald's Holiday Custard only please.

My favorite foods that make your pee smell

2008-12-05T23:56:00.001-08:00

Honey Smacks-gives the urine a nice floral smell for one day, two days max.
Asparagus-gives the urine a mix of new car smell and a pine cone, usually lasts a day.
Pork Rinds-urine will smell like dog food for a week.

R.I.P

2008-12-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

Rest in peace Loaded Steakhouse Burger from Burger King. You were the burger to get before the big game, whether that be daguyz preseason or the Jazz game, you were always there for me. When I first heard of a burger with mashed potatoes, A1 sauce, and golden fried onions I scoffed in disbelief. You put me in my place like a drunken father that has a lot on his mind and bills to pay...I love you for that. If I'm lucky I'll see you again next year.

2008-12-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

These past couple of weeks I've spent more time with people from the Indie sub-culture that's ruining my city. It was my opinion that because of their constant focus on fashion they wouldn't know what good food was. I was absolutely correct. They wanted "fusion food" more aptly described as food prepared by a person that lacks the skills and/or knowledge to master one cuisine so ruins two out of frustration. I'm a gentleman but there's no way in hell I'm wasting a meal eating poorly portioned hog shit and boba drinks. Instead I walked up the street to J-dog and got myself a polish dog with special sauce, mustard, and kraut and an apple beer.
When I caught up with the group again, instead of well-deserved praise, all I got were passive aggressive remarks about not supporting independent businesses. Now that's some bullshit. To fix this I'm going to don the hat of a secret racist being accused of not having any black friends and create a list of hastily thought out names in no particular order to prove otherwise.

1. Tommy's Burger

It's a small building sitting on the corner of 400 W and 100 N, fairly easy to pass by not knowing the sheer awesomeness it holds inside. This place is as local as you can get it. It hasn't franchised anywhere and has been in Provo for a several decades. Tommy's Burger does not have a young clientele, it is usually occupied by grown ass men on their lunch break. It has a simple menu filled with high fat high flavor burger shop regulars.
What to Order: Number three with a kraut dog and onion rings your choice of beverage.

2. Taco Riendo
This is a fairly new taco shop. It replaced the much beloved Barry's drive-inn on state street. Don't let the fact that it is connected to a gas station/smokeshop discourage you. You can't go wrong with $1.00 tacos made by middle aged hispanic women, ever. I've only had tacos but their other items i.e. burritos, tortas, quesadillas, and gorditas all look like they'd be more satisfying than coming home to this
What to Order: Start with 4 tacos with the meat of you choice, I recommend lengua, re-order in sets of two until full. Make sure to dress your tacos with cilantro, red sauce, and lime. For a beverage I recommend Sangria or orange soda.

3.Las Tarascas
If not the best Mexican restaurant I've ever been to it's the most authentic. Their tomatillo sauce they serve with their chips and salsa is worth whatever you're paying for your entree. Their tamales have really good flavor but I think they're a little dry, but to be honest I'm never going to have tamales like the ones my Grandma makes for Christmas.
What to Order: Enchilada with red sauce combo, for a beverage I'd go with a Sangria but whatevs.

4. Mi Ranchito
If not the best Mexican restaurant I've ever been to it's the one I crave the most. Mi Ranchito is simple, no matter what you order it's going to be covered in enchilada sauce and melted cheese. If that doesn't turn you on a little bit you best get out of here. I've been eating at Mi Ranchito since I was five, the service has always been great, in fact I almost got to motorboat a waitress reaching over to get my brothers menu but that's a story for another time.
What to Order: Two enchilada combo or one enchilada one burrito combo. And if you're a damn man combo de guadalajara. They have the best horchata I've tried to date.

5. Betos
Open 24-7 with great food at prices you can't beat. What else do you want? If you're a first time Beto's eater, good luck with test that will be hitting you 1-4 hours after you're done eating. If you pass you get to enjoy Beto's again and again, if you fail you'll be one of those assholes that ruins late night hang out sessions because you "had a really bad experience there..."
What to Order: Any breakfast burrito, Texano burrito, carnitas tacos. Don't forget to sauce your food. I use red sauce because their green sauce was so spicy I shat mollasses the day after I had it.

This list has gone on far enough for now. If you're wondering why 4 out of the 5 places I listed are Mexican food joints, it's because I love enchiladas almost as much as I love senioritas.

Back at it.

6.The Great Steak
Just off of center street, it's probably the closest thing we have to a local diner. They have the best clam chowder in Provo and a shit load of sandwiches to compliment said clam chowder. Like a lot of Utah burger spots they make their own fry sauce, it's good but not of Crown Burger quality.
What to order: I think it's number five, but the soup and half a sandwich combo or their chicken fried steak special.

7. Burger Supreme
Hot damn. The best fast food spot in Provo, they have the best fry sauce and more importantly a pastrami burger. I eat here at least once a week and have never had a bad meal. In my honest opinion, hearing your order being called out or your pager buzzing is greater than Christmas morning. Purer joy has never been felt than in that half second when the world makes sense and you know your food is ready.
What to order: You could throw darts at the menu blindfolded and get a good meal but I recommend the pastrami burger combo and a corn dog.

8. Sensuous Sandwich
This is an old favorite that I haven't frequented lately. I've never understood how people could love Subway and Sensuous Sandwich is the main cause for that. You get a good deal at Sensuous, you pay roughly a dollar and some change per two inches i.e. 4" 2.69 6"3.89 8"4.89 10"5.69 and you're getting tasty ass sandwiches. For sexual innuendo fans, you'll love their menu. How can you go wrong with something called The Tantalizer or The Enticer? You can't, it's that simple.
I almost forgot, like all great restaurants they have a food challenge. If you can finish a 24" sandwich of your choice in under an hour you get a t-shirt and a picture on the wall. The record is something ridiculous that I can't remember, my gut says under 3.57 but that doesn't seem logical.
What to order: The spicy enticer hot with lettuce, pickles, onions, mayonaise, mustard, oil and vinegar. Pepperoncini's are optional.