If you're still reading this

go to this. www.pstyousuck.blogspot.com

Also, for all the shit I talk on Bobby Flay I want to start a southwestern restaurant. If I start making cordon bleau tamales or dowsing deserts with chipotle please kick me in the neck and shoot me in the ass.

Cop Out

Instead of writing new shit I copy and pasted old shit I wrote and put it here. Do something about it, I dare you.

If You Need to Cry Find the Proper Place To Do It.

Even lumberjacks cry sometimes (though with their advanced evolution their tear ducts contain whiskey and tabasco as opposed to real tears) and they need to know where an acceptable place to cry is. I hope this helps them. This is a scale of manly places to cry 1 being watching the notebook by yourself and 10 being arm wrestling a grizzly bear with your left hand while you both chug a quart of eggnog.

Funeral. 10

Someone died and they owed you money, feel free to let it all out.

Hospital 3-9

Crying in the hospital is complicated. If you're crying because you're in pain you may as well get a sex change while you're in the facilities. Clamp your jaw shut and flex whatever is hurting to deal with it. However if you walked into the wrong room and saw an 80 year old topless patient in the psych ward slapping her imaginary grandchildren around, it's ok to cry.

In the Shower 6

You've had a bad day and don't have any friends to berate you back to full strength. Hop in the shower turn on the hot water full bore and jam your face in the stream. You won't be able to distinguish your tears from the water so you're not even sure if you're really crying or not.

In the Shower listening to Music 5.5

Listening to music in the shower while crying sounds like a good idea but, scientists have found that when people are sad their taste in everything sucks. Especially music. So chances are you'd put on something that sounds as terrible as you feel. Not manly at all.

In the Shower listening to CCR 8

Not only will the music cover the sound of your pathetic sobbing, CCR kicks so much ass that not even crying about a girl you had mixed feelings about diminishes masculinity.

Movie Theatre 2

You paid $18 dollars for two tickets to a movie you didn't want to see and ended up crying surrounded by strangers..... at least it was dark in there.


Around a Campfire 1

Guaranteed way to ruin everyone else's good time. Talk around a campfire should stick to food, women, and dick jokes and none of those things should ever reduce a man to tears.


Port-A-Potty 9

Crying in a port-a-john is manly because there's always a line to use them. So you have to hold in your tears until you get in the john, and than you let all the pussy drain out of you while surrounded by the most heinous smell. When you're done crying make sure you walk out of the port-a-potty without any visible signs of tearshed on your face. It'll really add to the "What in the hell did I witness?" factor. You've made women and children suffer under the unforgiving sun just so nobody could see you cry and chances are someone shit their pants. That's awesome.

Trunk of a Car 7

During Therapy 2

Cab Ride 3

As if a cab driver's life wasn't shitty enough.

While choking a loved one 8

Playground 2 if you have/had kids 6.5 if you don't/haven't had

Somebody's shoulder 3.
1 if it's somebody you wanted to respect you
1 and a half if it gets you laid

Not only are you crying in front of somebody you're crying on somebody. That's just rude. Do you realize howmuch shit that comes out of your face when you cry? It's disgusting. Snot bubbles, extra sticky spit that creeps out of the side of your mouth, and a persons face is always weirdly contorted when they cry.

Ocean 7 if there's a shark 2 if there isn't.

Things Almost as Good as a Personality.

Aight so the girl you're looking to make your main trick is in your house. You know enough to be attracted to her but not enough to have a stimulating conversation. You could spend half an hour bouncing questions off of each other or go Carrot Top on her ass and pull out the props.

The weapon of choice for many is the acoustic guitar. The acoustic guitar has gotten more guys laid than roofies and bad parenting combined. You don't even have to be that good, bitches aint' know shit about music, just play a couple of chords and bob your head. Now look at her, smile, and put your head down to reposition your fingers.

Poetry. Poets are the most pretentious fuckers you will ever meet and they are everywhere. Get in them panties and rehearse a poem you wrote three years ago for somebody else. Make sure it rhymes and that it is untitled. There is a risk to be ran though. If she has poems, she'll recite them to you. As previously mentioned, poets are pretentious fuckers so neither of you will like each other's poems because yours are better and they don't "get it".

Laughing loudly. Fools got it in their heads that if you are the one laughing the loudest at something that they are both the only one to "really" get it and that they somehow contributed to the funny. Girls love guys that make them laugh and have been known to go for guys that laugh because if they're laughing they must be funny enough to make them laugh. Be wise, quiet it down to a chuckle and don't raise expectations.

A "Fight Club" DVD because who the fuck didn't like it? You'll both enjoy a movie you've both seen more than ten times and the movie provides some talking points. Like "What historical figure would you fight?" and then you both could pretend argue and she'll slap you softly. All that bullshit. The ending also contains enough semi-existential bullshit to make you seem interesting

Heaven

My thoughts on heaven.

I fully expect to be told, "There's not a dress code in Heaven per say but that's totally inappropriate." And to the bastard behind me, "And no pea coats!"

Half of Heaven is waiting in line to get to heaven.

People with speech impediments don't get into heaven.

In heaven, you can watch anything that has ever been on TV even if you don't remember the name of it.

If you've lived in Provo for a while you may remember a place called Sounds Easy next to Albertson's where you can rent a movie and order pizza. Heaven is like that plus a zoo.

Fighting animals is OK in heaven and by fighting animals I mean both against each other and fighting them personally.

In heaven, Jordan missed. Jazz fans know what I'm talking about.

Body builders of abnormal heights wear tuxedos and serve Hawaiian Punch.

There's a massive list of facts, including; the best piss you've had, the longest piss you've had, how many people that you were an asshole, why they thought you were an asshole, a pie chart showing you asshole traits compared to your non-asshole traits, a running tally of your comma splices, how much you've spent on food, how much time you've spent on the internet, lists of shitty bands you listened to, a graph showing how wrong it was for you to be attracted to that cousin, how many birds you've fed both purposefully and unintentionally, how many times you've said 'less' when you should have said 'fewer', the fates of the dogs you didn't adopt, how many times you took the last piece of pizza, and another list of ways that the people that you hated were happier than you were.

You don't have to read that list.

People are content watching other people play video games.

Every so often everybody starts singing "Hey there Delilah" in unison.

Facts

If people really loved cute things they'd leave their babies alone with animals more often. And not just dogs and cats. If you coo at pictures of lions yawning picture your baby in it's mouth, if you still think it's adorable have the balls to make it happen.

Proclaiming that you do not find Family Guy funny is the same as proclaiming you are pretentious and boring.(Update, I don't think it's funny anymore.)

Nobody cares about other peoples cats.

If Johnny has 5 apples and loses 2 he still has more apples than he needs. He's also irresponsible for losing apples.

"Into the Wild" was nothing more than a poor man's "Jeremiah Johnson"

Sexism is not saying you like women that can cook it's the difference between breast cancer awareness and prostate cancer awareness.

Black people are funnier than white people.

Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor are the Stockton to Malone of Comedy.

Dane Cook is not funny. Neither is Carlos Mencia.

WWE/WWF was great, is great, and will be great forever.

Even if I stopped swearing, cut my hair, and stopped telling crass jokes people would still be convinced that I've done drugs.

If everyone stopped sippin that haterade Hooty and the Blowfish would make a huge comeback.

In every movie there's at least one scene that makes every guy mutter "Stupid bitch." under their breath. I don't know if female actors suck at their lines or the lines suck for female actors but I hate it.

Everybody can sing the first verse to Sugar Ray's "Every Morning" verbatim.

There's a little voice in the back of everybody's head that screams bloody murder anytime they drink a mocktail or watch CSI.

Jordan pushed Russell.

Stuff you didn't want to know about me but I wrote down anyway.

1. I shit with my shirt off all the time no matter what.

2. If I'm suspicious that you've done something to wrong me I will pick my nose and hide the booger somewhere in your car/house.

3. I'm writing this at work and am a little scared of getting fired.(Update, I have since been fired.)

4. When given the opportunity I will not hesitate to cook eggs in the nude.

5. Motorhead songs all sound the same, I love all them because of it.

6. When I can't sleep at night I day dream about you naked or about playing basketball only to be interrupted by some dick wearing a scarf, thick lensed old lady glasses, and tight expensive jeans.

7. I'm incredibly attracted to sketchy waitresses that curse.

8. The only thing worse than a cute girl swearing is a cute girl that tries to swear and can't quite pull it off.

9. I don't consider Mary Higgins Clark or the girl that wrote twilight authors.

10. On exceptionally happy days I rearrange my junk to make it visible through my jeans.

11. I've decided to refer to my penis as a "Love Stump" from now on.

12. No matter how hard I try I can't finish any book written by Faulkner.(Update, fuck you Abyslom!,Absylom!)

13. I have a tattoo of a feather on my arm but most people think it's a sword or a leaf.

14. There are two things I'm passionate about, The Utah Jazz and Betos. I find dislike of or indifference to either of these extremely offensive.

15. The fifteen minutes I spend alone on the toilet are the best of my life.

16. On a bad day nothing toughens you up again like mexican food and pie.

17. I have love handles.

18. Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth.

19. I may be secretly racist.

20. I'm both excited and a little disappointed to spend Valentines alone in my underwear watching Sanford and Son all day.

21. I'm too lazy to go to college.

22. If I had an exceptionally good time on the toilet I will sing The Jefferson's theme song when I'm done. Fish don't fry in the kitchen! Beans don't burn on the grill!

23. Sometimes I google image search Emma Watson, stare at the screen, and pretend we're married.

24. I had and maybe still do have a major crush on both sisters from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and had some creepy day dreams about them both.

25. Sometimes I write haikus to forgotten celebrities.